Funny Thing Happens When You Become a Mom

Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom.  There's been no greater joy in my life than watching my children grow and learn new things, but... my name is no longer Peggy, it's Maddie Gray's Mommy (for now anyway) or even just Mommy!  Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, all the time!  Even Josh calls me Mommy!  I used to enjoy a hot meal, instead now I eat lukewarm meals or heck, sometimes I don't eat a full meal at all because my child likes the way my food looks better!  So, I find myself eating whatever is left on her plate because I don't want to waste anything.  Nice hot baths are also a thing of the past!  I can't even shower without Mac watching me or Maddie Gray stripping down to join me because she thinks I look lonely in there.  I used "hide" in the bathroom just get a little peace, but I think they hear me breathing, and I'm once again found.
We just got home from vacation yesterday, so I should be rested, but that's not really the truth.  Vacation with children, particularly small children isn't really a vacation sometimes though is it?  After renting a crib, stroller, and high chair for Mac, I found myself driving around Santa Rosa Beach and then into Destin at 1 Sunday morning hoping Mac would fall asleep.  After getting back to the house at 3:30 and finally having him fall asleep in my arms, Maddie Gray wake us both up at 7!  Wednesday night Mac was up with fever, so naturally I was up most of the night with him.  The usually 5 hour car ride took us 8, with stopping for lunch, me trying to nurse Mac, and Maddie Gray having to take 4 pee breaks!  I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I keep telling myself someday I will wish I could get this time back with my babies when they are older, but I think some things may be better left in the past!  I used to have the patience of Job.  I could sit and talk to Maddie Gray most of the day about whatever she wanted, but today I find myself looking for her batteries, so I could just turn her off for a few minutes!  Heck, I'd even settle for just turning her down a little bit!
Funny thing happens when you become a mom, nothing on your body is yours any more.  Nothing you own is yours any more, but when I stand back and look at the bigger picture, these are the things I will look back on and laugh.  I may even look back further and wish for a few of these precious moments back.

Busy Life, Busy Wife

Josh is gone this week playing war games with the military.  Sounds funny to say playing war games, but if he were to be deployed, again, then this is what he would be doing, and Uncle Sam wants to make sure he's ready!  I don't know why but things to be more busy when he's gone.  Do I do this to myself, or do it just happen this way?  This week, Maddie Gray has swimming lessons at 5, Mac has pictures because he's a big boy and is sitting up all by himself and there's a water leak somewhere in the bathroom.  Thankfully, Josh's grandfather knows a little bit of everybody and is calling a plumber friend of his tomorrow.  Hopefully it's nothing too major, but we shall see... Mac is also still not feeling well.  2 weeks ago I took him to the doctor because his eyes were running green stuff and he was really stopped up.  Normally that wouldn't have sent me to the doctor because he's teeth and there's just something about snotty noses and cutting teeth that seem to go together!  Anyway, took him in and the doctor said he's fine, ears checked out great, everything was happy!  Then last week he started to run some fever.  Again, nothing overly upsetting, but he woke up for his feeding around 3:30 and was so lethargic and didn't want to lift his head.  He didn't even really want to cry, so that was my Mommy red flag!  I took him to the doctor, and he said he had the beginnings of an ear infection.  So antibiotics here we come.  Now over the weekend, he's developed this cough.  Coughs again aren't a big deal to me, but it's something that has started to get worse and not better.  If he were older I would say he sounds like he's been smoking for years.  Bless him, he can't hardly eat, and he doesn't sleep well... so Mommy doesn't sleep well, and with Josh not being home there's nobody for me to say, "Please just take him for 10 minutes."  This is where I put on my hot pink cape & pretend I'm Super Mommy!  Thankfully, my in laws came last night and sat with Mac so Maddie Gray and I could take Josh to the base, and then they took her home with them for the night.  Mac is sleeping now, and if I was really smart, I'd get off here and go lay down to get some sleep myself, but I know as soon as I get comfy on the couch or in the bed, he'll be waking up!  I guess I will be smart and use this time to shower and pick up this house before he wakes up and before the plumber comes tomorrow, so he doesn't have to see the way we really live!

While I'm waiting

The Wait List that is!  I found out today that I was wait listed for nursing school.  I don't really know how I feel about that.  On one hand I'm excited that I could be starting school in the fall and FINALLY realizing my dream, on the other hand though, I'm a little nervous about starting school in the fall!  I think of all the things I won't get to do while I'm in school & to be honest it makes me a little sad.  Then again, I think of all the things I'll be able to do after school, like vacations with my family, and that makes missing a few things now, totally worth it!  So while I'm waiting, I will enjoy this time with my family and will post the verdict once it's handed down!

I'm Not Super Mom, but Sometimes I Play One

I heard on the radio today that a woman in her mid thirties shot and killed her 4 children, ranging in age from 12-17 and then turned the gun on herself.  I was heart sick for this family, because no matter how dark things seem, they do get better.
I know as a woman who has worked outside the home and is now staying at home, being a mother is hard.  We as women tend to want people to think we have it all together.  House cleaned, hot meal every night, happy husband, happy children...sometimes though, we don't have it all together.  I've said it once, and I'll say it again.  My house isn't always clean, in fact, sometimes it's down right messy, my car stays a mess with old french fries in the seat, "presents" of dead flowers or weeds are left behind, spit up from Mac and the accidental spill can all be found there.  My diaper bag is also the most unorganized chaotic wreck ever!  Am I proud of this, no way!  Does it make me less of a mother or wife, absolutely not!  Is that hard for me to say out loud...you bet.  I want to look put together, so that people can't see sometimes I'm flailing.  I'm too proud to ask for help, because I want people to think I'm super mom.  I want people to think I can cook dinner, fold laundry, help Maddie Gray practice her handwriting all the while breastfeeding Mac.  "I've got it" are my famous last words, when really I don't got it.  For myself, I don't say anything, because what do you say?  Who do you say it to?  I don't want people to think I'm depressed, because I'm not.  I don't need pity either.  When did it become okay for me to not say I am overwhelmed at times?  When did we as a society become so set on doing things on our own without the help of others that if we ask we feel ashamed?  I wrestle with the Mommy Guilt of sending Maddie Gray to pre-school when I'm home with Mac.  I wrestle with wanting to stay at home if I don't get into nursing school.
I love my husband and children with my whole heart.  I love them fiercely and passionately, but sometimes feeling like I have to do everything for everyone does get to be too much.  I will no longer feel guilty for not making all of Mac's baby food.  I will not try to hide the fact that Mac at some point in his life was given formula to fill him up a little longer so I could sleep.  Sometimes, I don't play Barbies with Maddie Gray, because I just want to watch the news or some other boring adult program.  I will, from this day forward, no longer be afraid to say I need some "me" time or I need help.  Help isn't a bad thing, in fact, it's a blessing for all involved.  It gives me time away to be an adult and not have to wipe a behind or smell throw up only to realize that smell is coming from my hair!  It gives me the opportunity to be a better mother for my two precious gifts from God.  I will do my best to longer "lose my voice" when my true feelings are screaming to get out.

It's The Time of the Season

I was thinking tonight about things that are only in our lives for a season.  God puts people, things, and even places in our lives, sometimes just for a fleeting second.  Like Maddie Gray for example, when she was a baby, she loved her binky or paci or whatever you call it, but now that she's 3 1/2, she no longer needs it.  She does, however, still carry around a ratty old blanket, but I am sure that someday, she will outgrow that as well.  Both will be a season in her life.  Friends are like that too, I guess.  Josh and I have been through a deployment.  It was only a short one in hind sight, but it brought us to such a different place in our lives.  He and I lived in Meridian for a while.  I completely detested living there... in the beginning.  While I am happy where we are, closer to friends and family, I wouldn't trade those 5 years for anything.  The Lord placed some of the most wonderful people in our lives that we would never have crossed paths with otherwise.  There are also friends that are in our lives for but just a blink.  People who stood by you at your wedding as you took your vows, but now you are only "friends" with on Facebook. Those friends were only supposed to be in my life for a just a brief second, and I know I am who I am because of their friendship.  There are others, though, who I may not talk to everyday or even see regularly, but I know if I need them, they are right here for me.  It may not be here physically, but the phone works great when I need to vent or cry or laugh.  Funny the twists and turns life takes.  The people, the places, the plans I make...all different from what I thought in high school.
I never doubted a few things though, the love I have for Josh.  He has been with me during all of my steepest mountains and during my lowest valleys, and I can't imagine traveling through life without him.  I know the Lord placed him in my path to be my life partner, my helpmate.  I also never doubted the love of Christ though I may have strayed far from Him.  So thankful that the twists, turns, ups and downs I have had those two constants to lean on.  Of course my parents and sister are also constants.  My dad's health may change, my mom's focus may change from me to him, and my sister might even get married, but I know if I need them, they're right here with me and for me.  My address, my jeans size and even my hair color may change, but I am so thankful and blessed to those people who do decide to hang around!

Great News

First, let me say that my Daddy is doing so well!  He's up and moving!!!  He still has some trouble walking, but since he still has limited mobility in his right arm, he has to use his legs to get him around in his wheelchair while he's in Rehab.  His speech has also greatly improved.  My mom picked him up on Saturday and took him to her house.  I think he really enjoyed being back at home, but Mom said when she took him back, he was ready!  I told her she shouldn't be worried about him wanting to come home and stay home, she should worry more about his not wanting to come home!  He seems to really be improving, and I am so thankful.  He still has a ways to go, but to not even be a month out, he's doing amazing.  I know he's going to come back from this, stronger and better than ever.

Now, on the my other FABULOUS news!  I took Mac to see the GI doctor today, because we haven't been since he was about 3 months old.  I am happy, no thrilled, to announce that we have graduated from the office of Dr. Paul Parker!  We don't have to see him again unless we have problems!!!!!  I also get to start slowly adding things back into my diet.  Dr. Parker asked me what I missed the most, and I said cereal.  I told him I was really nervous about making that the first thing I added back I know it takes a month for the milk protein to get out of your system, so he said to try some peanut butter first and then try a some cheese because there's less of the protein in that.  If he didn't scream, then I could go back to my diet as usual!  I'm super excited, but I'm also a little afraid.  The last thing I want is to upset the apple cart by adding things back into my diet that I haven't had in month, but then on the flip side, cereal is such a comfort food for me.  I think what I may do is wait on the milk until he's 7 months.  I know all the complaining I have done about not getting to have it to hold out longer seems silly, but it's fear that's driving my madness now.  Plus, truth be told, I really don't miss it that much.  There are some great things to be said about eliminating things from your diet.  Some people do it during Lent, but I gave it all up in the beginning for my precious baby, but now, I think I will just continue on my journey until I think it's safe.  Now if I could just pass my Chem final tonight and find out about Nursing school all ready, I would be in excellent shape!

A small vent session and my fears

Sorry this post is all Debbie Downer, but I have to get this all out.  I think if I dumped it all on Josh he would completely understand, but he needs to fix everything, and there's nothing to be fixed here, so I just needed to get this all out;
So my fear is this, my mom won't ever be able to go and do with me or my kids the way she used to.  I feel extremely selfish for feeling this way, because I realize life isn't always about me, but my mom was a huge part of it.  She is my go to baby sitter, and now I worry she won't ever be able to have Maddie Gray over to spend the night any more.  I worry that by my dad having this stroke he is going to give up.  It's so funny how quickly life changes.  Friday morning, I thought things were fine and Maddie Gray was going to spend the night at Bubbie's and then Friday afternoon things turned out so differently.  I try to be peppy & upbeat for my mom, but it's really hard not to just break down.
My sweet daddy seems so afraid and sad.  I pray he doesn't give up, because my mom would be devastated without him, but he's got to be the one to fight.  My mom, sister, and I can only fight so much for him.  How's that saying go, it's not about the dog in the fight, it's about the fight in the dog?  Well any way, I just wish my dog had more fight.  God's not ready to take him Home that's clear, but what's not so clear to me is, why.  I would never hope that my daddy pass, because as ornery as that man is, I love him, but these next 90 days are going to be so critical for him, and I don't want him to lay in bed in rehab and give up.  My mom can't stay there with him every night, and she will have to go back to work at some point, so his cheering section won't be the same.  Maybe the second chance was really for me (or our family) to stop being so angry with the fact that he HAD cancer 14 years ago.  Maybe I need to be more grateful for him, maybe I need to stop wishing the past were the present.  I can't undo all my anger from how he used to be before he was sick up until last Friday, but I can do something about my attitude from this day forward.
I also worry about my mother.  I can look at her and tell this has taken a toll on her.  She doesn't look happy, though if you were to visit she puts on a good "Tri Delta Rush Face!"  She says this is not what I (being me) signed up for, but lucky for her, I didn't sign up to be in this family at all!  I was blessed to be in this family and part of being in this family means taking care of my daddy in whatever capacity that may look like.  I can't be there round the clock with my daddy, but I don't live so far away that I can't go over and visit him during the week.
I started a blog for him so that people could stop asking my mom how he was doing, hoping they will just check the caringbridge website.  I think people do check it which is good, but I feel like I have to be upbeat and happy on there too.  I feel like if I said how I really felt, people would feel sorry for him or me or us.  I don't want pity really, I just need a place to vent and since nobody in my family is able to regularly keep up with this blog, I thought this would be the perfect place!
Okay, I'm done for now.